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The day I punched myself in the face

...battle hardened. Sure. Kid yourself it's that. Shellshock. Post traumatic... whatever it is they call this kind of thing in the future.

I have been to the future and it is more hellish to be home. Ironic, isn't it? scuse me, kids, I get so ahead of myself. This is a little story about my dad and me and a little difference of opinion.

God, I never thought I would ever miss my still so much.

I've mentioned it before, of course, right? Back in the days when we all lived in The Swamp and no one lived anywhere else. We were mad, doctors Frankenstein intent on creating the first truly homemade martini. Each night we held up toasts to the monster we had made. Somehow it seems that everyone needs a little help, or maybe someone to carry them over the finish line.

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And now comes the waiting. Preparations are being made. Plans are being constructed and re-constructed. Everyone moves with purpose. It's inspiring even as it scares me. What is the price of one life? And how could any of us live with ourselves if we all didn't throw ourselves against the odds to try to save that one life?

The last forty-eight hours have been strange. I'm used to strange, honestly. It probably would have gone better had I not been intoxicated. I don't regret it though... I've been very tightly wound for a long time.

There's been a pile of broken glass next to my bed for over a week now, I see it everytime I wake up. I enjoy its company. It seems indicative of something, I can't figure out what.

Yes, I know how it got there. That was me smashing a testtube in disgust.

I tell ya. This fog though. That's the worst of it, not the monsters, not the being trapped, not the lack. when will everything regain its color?

I don't want to die. But I'm just sick of living in greyscale.

You Are 65% Burned Out

You are very burned out.

You need a huge break from your responsibilities, starting as soon as possible.

And you need this time to re-evaluate what you really want out of your life.

Because you're working hard and getting nowhere... and that would burn anyone out!

crackle crackle sputter.

Mar. 22nd, 2008

Being strong and brave doesn't always mean fighting an incurable disease, hiding your pain from everyone around you, or even being Army tough (although in my case, I guess all those things factor in). being strong can be as simple as working hard on a particularly tough problem, and not stopping until you figure out an answer- even if it's not the exact one, just one that will work for the time being.

Everyone has fears, challenges they face daily, and that's part of life. Look, first of all, I wanna apologize if I've been mean to anyone over the week.
It was a pretty tough week, but I won't make excuses why I acted why I did, just know that I'm sorry.
Even if I wasn't mean to you but I acted indifferent or distanced, I count that as being mean so I'm sorry for that too. There's some things that time can erase.

For everything else, there's alcohol.

and we don't even have any of that where I am. Was. Am.

I don't know what's real anymore. Of course, I still have this huge dilemma ahead of me- discover the cure I've allegedly already discovered when I'm in that place. I wonder how I did it?

I'm really going to have to sit me down and give me a serious talking to.

Somehow I doubt I'll even listen unless I buy myself a martini though.
I've been having the strangest dreams...It's like my past has decided to be my future again...

Have you ever threaded a movie into a projector? It's like the world is in rewind! or rather...
it rewound and then stopped...and now I'm living the rewound part all over again...

Sometimes it just feels too hard to deal with. Any normal person would just walk away from it, go on with their life...but of course, I can't. There's nowhere to go, just here, or there.

I've noticed most of you use the network as a sort of a toy to keep yourselves sane and I'll tell you- there's some weird stuff out there.

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I've been complaining a lot lately, mostly about not starting everything I want to start. There's something in me that keeps holding myself back from my future. I guess it's normal to be afraid of moving forward. The unknown seems to scare mankind more than anything else. I think that's probably why everybody fears death. Who knows what becomes of us after our hearts stop beating? Do we just go underground and progressively become part of the earth? Do we keep living in a paradise? Or do we reform into a different shape or species and continue keeping the world turning?

I don't want to be so hard on myself anymore. I'm my own harshest critic. I always seem to find a way to crush something down that I've done and turn it into meaningless fragments. What I've done matters and has made a difference and I need to keep reminding myself of that. I need to stop beating myself over for what I've done in the past or what I haven't done in the past. I need to stop beating myself up for what I'm doing or not doing in the present. I already know one day I'll make such a dent in the world it'll be irreversible. It'll happen when it needs to happen and when it's supposed to happen. Who knows, maybe it already has... I can't get this time jump stuff straight, anyway.

So. I'm sitting here drinking the usual nasty coffee, and waiting for the next batch of serum to finish so I can test it and... I'm good. I honestly think I am. I'm feeling at peace, for once.

I guess I shouldn't say not feeling at peace is so bad, at least I'm feeling something.

I've seen too many people go apathetic in the face of things they can't stop or get a handle on, but that's not me.

Not anymore.
I don't believe I've ever been in a greater place of uncertainty in my life. Absolutely nothing is known. Each day is a complete mystery right up until the point where it ends. I no longer even know at what time I'll be going to bed, how many hours of sleep I'm going to get, or at what hour I'll be awake.

Fractured bones rearranged to fit
acetabulum, clavicle, fibula soldered
to the bone, the crawl is soft
and grey, captured and enclosed. Dig
into the marrow, pluck out the splinters, go
gentle into the succulent home
built of minerals and collagen
Heal, dearheart, heal.
- saskaia

I feel so weary, most of the time. Like I'm living two subsequent lives, one on the bones of the other. Like when I close my eyes to dream an entire alternate history is weighing down on me, singing Gregorian chants on my tush.

I just want to tell the world -and especially Silent Hill- to stuff all their troubles in an old kit bag and get out of my face.

In short: %#*^ you and good night. Oh, and 'screw you' for good measure.

Well. I'm up. Can I go back to bed now?
Ok guys. You can just cut that out.

I went through a phase as a kid where I believed in Santa, and I believed in the Easter Bunny, but no one is going to convince me I did anything to deserve a visit from the Vaccine Formula Clue-notes Fairy, ok?

I'm working on it.

and in other random musings...Collapse )
So, you know those "wow" moments? I assume we all have those, though it might just be me. You know those moments when pieces just start to fall in place? When you feel like you finally get it? Clearly, these moments come most often after a few alcoholic drinks.

Those moments, when you finally get it, they are amazing. And they are always so true. Undeniably. Like, "wow, how did I not see this before?"

Unfortunately, no, I'm not talking about the antivirus. Still waiting results on my last batch.

But I saw my future self. And I didn't hate what I saw. It was an image that given a different mindset would have made me feel like shit. But with my current state of mind, which is more likely than not transient, it seems sort of romantically perfect. Because I know certain things about myself that will never change, certain things that will shape the rest of my life. I guess we all have these things, these essential facts. And when applied, predicting the future is not so absurd. If you know what I mean. And you may not. But I can see it. And it is definite. And no one will ever convince me otherwise. It's not necessarily what I want, per se. It is what is going to happen. And acceptance of that is a good feeling. Will I have the same feeling in the morning? Probably not. Will I have the same feeling everyday for the rest of my life? Probably not. But if I can just remember this moment, this moment when everything made sense, when the pieces fell into place, when my inevitable future didn't seems so shitty, maybe I'll be able to handle it.
Hey! I think I got it. I'm on to something, anyway.

Any volunteers? Line up for a poke in the butt if you don't want to become a zombie anytime in the near future.